Jason, your 14 year old son with Asperger’s, shuts down when it comes to talking about “what happened”. You try and take his perspective and give him the benefit of the doubt, but he still gives you nothing. It may be that Jason simply cannot adequately communicate what happened through words. As we know, words and gestrures can be quite challenging to interpret and muster for the individual with AD. It may be that you’re questions, gestures, and tone of voice seem intimidateing or in some way unwelcoming to your child. Whatever it is, I urge you to try something new.
In many cases, storyboard/cartooning of the event can be very helpful in getting some insight as to what triggered the response, what came before, after, etc (look for this in future posts).
A tool that I have recently incorporated into my practice is non-verbal processing through writing. This can be done on a white board or even a piece of paper. It goes like this…
1. “We are going to discuss what happened/what’s bothering you without using our voices.”
Materials: writing utensil, whiteboard, piece of paper, or even computer.
Activity: It starts with a simple written prompt (by you) – a word, statement, question, or educated assumption like “being a ‘fighter’ is part of your identity”. It can then branch off in a million different directions. In the times I have used this with my teens, I’ve always gained great insight into their internal process, triggers, etc.
Actual Example: The example below was done with a 13-year old boy who has recently begun fighting in school in response to bullying – resulting in suspension. This boy often refuses or is unable to process verbally with his parents, teachers, and therapist. I have a strong rapport with this client at the time this intervention was done.
Therapist: Bold
Client: Italicized.
____________________________________________________________________________________
“Fighter is part of your identity
Sometimes.
That is a good thing in school
Yes. At sometimes.
How does it benefit you in school?
No one messing with me.
How else?
People think I’m tough.
What do you think?
I can be.
I think you can control your fists but it’s not worth it for you to do so.
I guess…I think I can.
If you can control your fists…what will change?
No fights.
You’re full of _ _ _ _ (sorry parents…this is often an effective way to engage and attune with a teen)
Yes I am.
You’ve never gotten the respect from others that you’re getting now as a fighter.
Yes.
There’s no other way to get it.
Not really.
You’re face just got serious. You really believe that?
Yes.
I don’t blame you. But when does it stop then?
Now because I’m good.
I don’t understand.
I have enough respect.
But what if things go back to the way they were?
It won’t.
There will always be another (name of the bully).
Yes.
And you’ve only got one way of getting respect.
Yes. But I have a lot of it…respect.
I’m hearing the phrase, “I can’t/don’t want to change?”.
I can and will.
Now we just need to figure out how.
IDK (I don’t know).
Will you work with me to at least try?
YES.”
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