Developing Friendship

This week I facilitated my first friendship “match” between two young teen clients on the autism spectrum. I created the Make-a-Match Program for children and families on the spectrum with the hope of building a greater network of social support in their lives.

Sam, age 11, and Jimmy, age 12, both present with Asperger’s.Following introductions, where I basically told both mother’s to exchange contact information and leave us alone, I took the boys on a walk to visit a small fishpond. This gave them a chance to look one another over without being directly expected to interact in my small office space. Within minutes, Jimmy looked over at Sam and asked, “You have autism?”. Sam hesitantly replied, “Yeh”. “Asperger’s?”, asked Jimmy. “Yes”, said Sam. “Me too”, responded Jimmy. As I fell back to watch this beautiful interaction unfold, I saw Sam smile. Later, we spoke about the scary transition to middle school. Jimmy had made the jump last year. Sam was doing it in September and was feeling pretty anxious. When I asked Jimmy if he had any advice, he stated “If a bully tries to bother you…tell a teacher”. This sparked a back and forth exchange between the two boys about their ample run-ins with bullies, including strategies like “punch him in the face” and displays of awkward martial art-like moves.

Watching these boys share and listen to one another’s “bully” stories was an incredible experience to witness. It was as if the boys were screaming to one another, “You are not alone…it’s not just you”. At least that’s how it felt to me. Later on, we discussed what each was “looking for in a friend”. Both agreed that a friend was someone who “Hangs out… and doesn’t just stop being your friend”. Jimmy shared that he had never “stayed over” a friend’s house. Sam indicated that this was a rarity in his life as well.

At the end of our time, I asked both boys if they would be willing to meet (with me as buffer) once again. “Yes”, they replied.

Friendship is a vital piece of every human being’s life. We crave human connection, whether it’s someone to play video games with on a Saturday night, or someone to confide in when we’re struggling with a bully at school. Children on the spectrum so often struggle to make these friendships, but it doesnt mean they don’t desperately crave them.

I encourage you (parents, teachers, therapists) to create your own “Make-A-Match Program”. I would be more than happy to send the liability/release form that I created to anyone interested.